It's New Year's Eve, Jim is working, so it will be me and our dog, cocoa seeing in the New Year together. I just had my dinner - Lean Cuisine three cheese lasagna - Yum! How can something that sounds that good, taste so blah?

I feel like talking so I may just ramble for awhile. I had my port installed the Friday before Christmas. I guess I was weepy because it brings the cancer to reality (as if losing my breasts wasn't real). Anyway, I think I was more concerned with the port than I was the mastectomy - go figure. The outpatient surgery took about an hour and once they checked it to make sure it was in place, I was released to go home.

They call it a "life port" - I was thinking about that. Through the port I will get three medications on 21 day intervals that will destroy any cancer cells and give me back my life. Any blood work can be done through the port (no more looking for veins - Thank You God) which will keep track of white blood cells and who knows what else, which is a life saver.

I looked at myself in the mirror the other day and I look like a road map with a little bit of cleavage and I'm not completely flat. LOL I told Jim that I look like the Grinch. Think about it - he's flat on top and kind of goes out like a pear at the bottom - that's me. He said that he didn't love me for my boobs but for the person that I am. He's definitely a keeper.

It seems like everyone is concerned about my emotional well being, how I am dealing with a mastectomy and having cancer. As I told my friend, Hope, last night, when I found out that I had breast cancer, I did a lot of thinking. My first thought was if the doctor tells me I need a mastectomy, he's taking both because I don't want to do this again in two years. I wasn't being brave; I just don't think that I could do this again. As it turns out, it was the right decision. I feel that I accepted the fact that I have cancer. It is what it is, it's not going to be what I want it to be, and it's all in God's hands. Emotionally, I have my moments - like the night I could not sleep and laid there just thinking of all kinds of stupid stuff that I cannot do anything about and crying. The one thing that I will do is keep a positive attitude - with all the love, support and prayers from friends and family, how could I be anything but positive? I can only take one day at a time and put my faith and trust in the Lord.

I think I may have said this before but, the thing I hate most about having cancer is the feeling of complete helplessness that I have had since my surgery. I am not the type of person who likes to be taken care of, when I am sick, leave me alone and I will get better. Not so this time. I have been bathed, dressed, bandages changed, and sapped of my strength. The people closest to me have seen me "naked" and I don't mean that in the literal sense, although it is also true. As I have started to feel better in the past month, I try to do things and usually overdo so that weakness would take over and I would feel exhausted. I just want to feel like my old self, and I will - in time.

You know Mom's are supposed to be strong for their children; you hold them when they are hurt, kiss away their tears, and in general, you are super mom and nothing can harm you. I would never have thought that one of my children would have to take care of me and see me so helpless. Lisa, my lovely daughter, I love you more than I can say. Having you here with me this past month has been a blessing from God. I am so grateful and thankful that you have been here to nurse me, hold me when I cry, talk to me, and yes, even clean out all the closets and organize me, right down to the list of doctors, numbers, medications and other instructions that are taped to the inside of the cabinet door. When you left to go home yesterday, I felt like my heart left with you; I feel such an immense sadness now that you are gone. I know that we became closer while you were here and I missed you before you left. You know the commercials on TV with the list they run through of what things cost? I can tell you that a month with my daughter was priceless.

Misty and John, I love you both very much. John, I was so touched by what you did and you are still the wind beneath my wings. Misty, thank you for setting up this blog - I could have never done it myself and I know that you would have been here if you could.

Jane you are an angel. Having you with me the first night of my surgery gave me comfort and all the days since that time, you have been here to help me and support me. Words cannot begin to express my gratitude and love, my friend.

I did have a wonderful Christmas. I attended Christmas Eve service with Jim and Lisa, and it was so uplifting. I saw friends, talked with my pastor and celebrated the birth of Jesus and just being alive.

As I said in the beginning, this is New Year's Eve. The year ahead holds more steps in my journey with breast cancer, but the future is bright and promising. I'm going to be OK.

May you all have a Happy and Blessed New Year!