Monday, February 16, 2009

I'm not sure if anyone comes back to this blog anymore but I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately and just wanted to come and post this one final message. Then most likely in a few weeks I will probably remove this blog. Why remove it? Because I am about to vent...I started this blog with my mom and I'm hurt, sad and this is probably the first time in my life I have ever said anything like this outloud, let alone in a public place where anyone could see it. It might even make some of you mad at me. But she was my mom and I need to say some things...even if they are just random ramblings and my first attempt at trying to "deal with it."

It's been over 2 months since she passed away and for me personally, I don't think I handle death very well. Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier...well I'm still waiting for the easy. Yes, I still live my life. Yes, I still laugh and play with my kids. Yes, I still love everyone I love. Yes, I go to work every day. Life does go on. But every day, I wake up thinking about her and quickly "change the subject" in my head. If I think about her, I get all weepy and for anyone who knows me, I NEVER cry. The only day I have ever cried in probably years, was the day she died. I didn't cry before, and I haven't cried since.

Everyone thinks I am handling things just fine. My boyfriend Josh...he has caught on to me and has me figured out. And he pointed it out to me the other day. I'm really not handling things just fine. In fact, I'm not handling them at all. That's why I can appear to be fine. Like I my head, I "change the subject". It keeps me sane. Keeps me straight. Keeps me in check and in line with what I need to do from day to day. It's just the way I am. And I'm so tired of hearing people tell me they are worried about me because I haven't expressed emotion about it all. Everyone deals with death in their own way. And maybe my way isn't the very best way for everyone, but for me, it works. For anyone who was there on that last day and saw my mom you have to understand what seeing her like that has done to me. I still wake up from nightmares about that day. If you were there, you understand why.

Why when someone dies does everyone put on a fake personality and tell everyone that I should be happy that she is in a better place. Or that she would have wanted it this way. Or God has a purpose for her. Or that she isn't suffering anymore. These are all the niceties that people say to someone who has had someone die that they were close to. And I'm sure when they are said, maybe they are sincere and they do mean them. But to the person you are saying them to....What purpose? No suffering...of course not, she's gone! she wouldn't want to die if she wasn't sick. Nothing about what happened to her is fair. I realize that. But I'm not sure I can take one person who really didn't even know her very well tells me that I should look on the brightside of things. I am still looking for that brightside. I really don't think it exists.

I am sorry to all of my family that I have completely ignored for the past 2 months. Especially my dad. My dad knows I love him. He is my favorite person, 2nd only to my mom, in the whole world. He is always there to give me a great big bear hug when I need one. Or to tell me how proud he is of me. Or how pretty he thinks I am. Or to bail me out when I financially mess myself up because Im bad with money. But no, I haven't called him lately. I did in the beginning. But when I talk to him, all I can think about is my mom. Even my sister, I don't call. Why? My family reminds family IS my mother. She held us all together. And without her Im very worried we will all fall apart. But even worse, I can't talk to anyone even on the phone because I know it will only begin a constant flow of crying because something they say will remind me of my mom. So again, I'm sorry to everyone in my family who I haven't returned phone calls to. I will one day call you I promise. I just can't do it right now. Im truly sorry, please understand.

I think on that note, I will wrap this up because it's just going to continue with more ramblings. I most likely will post this and immediately delete it once I regret it. Who knows. And if anyone is offended by this, I'm sorry for that too. Understand, I am just trying my hand at dealing with this and I'm trying to take my own feelings into consideration first. I do appeciate everyone in my life and in my moms.