Monday, February 16, 2009

I'm not sure if anyone comes back to this blog anymore but I've been thinking about my mom a lot lately and just wanted to come and post this one final message. Then most likely in a few weeks I will probably remove this blog. Why remove it? Because I am about to vent...I started this blog with my mom and I'm hurt, sad and this is probably the first time in my life I have ever said anything like this outloud, let alone in a public place where anyone could see it. It might even make some of you mad at me. But she was my mom and I need to say some things...even if they are just random ramblings and my first attempt at trying to "deal with it."

It's been over 2 months since she passed away and for me personally, I don't think I handle death very well. Everyone keeps telling me it will get easier...well I'm still waiting for the easy. Yes, I still live my life. Yes, I still laugh and play with my kids. Yes, I still love everyone I love. Yes, I go to work every day. Life does go on. But every day, I wake up thinking about her and quickly "change the subject" in my head. If I think about her, I get all weepy and for anyone who knows me, I NEVER cry. The only day I have ever cried in probably years, was the day she died. I didn't cry before, and I haven't cried since.

Everyone thinks I am handling things just fine. My boyfriend Josh...he has caught on to me and has me figured out. And he pointed it out to me the other day. I'm really not handling things just fine. In fact, I'm not handling them at all. That's why I can appear to be fine. Like I my head, I "change the subject". It keeps me sane. Keeps me straight. Keeps me in check and in line with what I need to do from day to day. It's just the way I am. And I'm so tired of hearing people tell me they are worried about me because I haven't expressed emotion about it all. Everyone deals with death in their own way. And maybe my way isn't the very best way for everyone, but for me, it works. For anyone who was there on that last day and saw my mom you have to understand what seeing her like that has done to me. I still wake up from nightmares about that day. If you were there, you understand why.

Why when someone dies does everyone put on a fake personality and tell everyone that I should be happy that she is in a better place. Or that she would have wanted it this way. Or God has a purpose for her. Or that she isn't suffering anymore. These are all the niceties that people say to someone who has had someone die that they were close to. And I'm sure when they are said, maybe they are sincere and they do mean them. But to the person you are saying them to....What purpose? No suffering...of course not, she's gone! she wouldn't want to die if she wasn't sick. Nothing about what happened to her is fair. I realize that. But I'm not sure I can take one person who really didn't even know her very well tells me that I should look on the brightside of things. I am still looking for that brightside. I really don't think it exists.

I am sorry to all of my family that I have completely ignored for the past 2 months. Especially my dad. My dad knows I love him. He is my favorite person, 2nd only to my mom, in the whole world. He is always there to give me a great big bear hug when I need one. Or to tell me how proud he is of me. Or how pretty he thinks I am. Or to bail me out when I financially mess myself up because Im bad with money. But no, I haven't called him lately. I did in the beginning. But when I talk to him, all I can think about is my mom. Even my sister, I don't call. Why? My family reminds family IS my mother. She held us all together. And without her Im very worried we will all fall apart. But even worse, I can't talk to anyone even on the phone because I know it will only begin a constant flow of crying because something they say will remind me of my mom. So again, I'm sorry to everyone in my family who I haven't returned phone calls to. I will one day call you I promise. I just can't do it right now. Im truly sorry, please understand.

I think on that note, I will wrap this up because it's just going to continue with more ramblings. I most likely will post this and immediately delete it once I regret it. Who knows. And if anyone is offended by this, I'm sorry for that too. Understand, I am just trying my hand at dealing with this and I'm trying to take my own feelings into consideration first. I do appeciate everyone in my life and in my moms.


JuJu said...

My mother died almost 14 years ago, and I still remember the exact feelings you are describing. I hated sympathy cards that said things like, "May your memories comfort you" I thought that was such a load of crap. To this day, I hate the line, "she's at peace." And, I alwas hated hearing that time would heal all wounds.
You are right, everyone deals with death differently. And, each way is the way it's supposed to be for that person. I remember having so many questions after my mom passed, and I would be so angry that I had no one to ask. A good friend of mine once told me to really think if the answers would make any difference. Honestly, I don't know. I do know that it's not something you ever "get over." You just learn where to put it.
I know your feelings are so raw and strange for you. If you ever need to vent with someone that has been in a similar spot, or has felt similarly, you can contact me. My email address is, and you can also contact me through these blogs.
I will be thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

I still look for posts on the blog, as I wonder how the family is doing....I am an angel of prayer that lifts your names in prayer each day....I can so relate to all the nicey nicey sayings as I lost my husband more than 10 yrs ago and I just wanted to shake the people that constantly would use them....I pray that you will embrace your I think if you look back on your times with your mother/the family rock she would want you all to be together....Just find a place in your heart to be the the one that holds the family together with much LOVE...With christian friendship, an angel of prayer in KC,MO.....Jen Miller

Anonymous said...

i would like you to know that i understand how you feel. i was very close to my grandmother. ill never forget when she was told she had cancer. she looked up at us in the emergency room and said oh please not cancer. she just loved life and always lived it to the fullest. she suffered for 8 months. we took care of her at home said she wanted to die there. but the whole time she would say how the doctors could know how much time she has left. it was so hard she just wanted to live. what im trying to say is that there is no time limit on greif. she died 16 years ago at the age of 63 and i think of her everyday. i dont think you ever get over this i think over time you learn how to live with it. it took me a long time to remember her when she was well. i would always think of her and how she was sick. this makes it harder when you are thinking of them with there illness. over time you will remember the good times. and it will help you get thru life. i thought i would never be able to live on without her in my life. but you have to live on ill never forget she came to me in a dream and told me she was fine now and that i need to go on with the rest of my life. ill never forget this as long as i live.

Karen said...

It's good you got this out. You are entitled to your feelings and don't let anybody tell you any different.

I lost my Dad to lung cancer and his last days were the most horrible thing you could imagine for him and for us, his family witnessing it. It took months to get over the pictures replaying in my mind of his final days. I still think of him all the time but the most horrible images have faded somewhat. At least I don't think about them constantly... only when I want to think about them. Those images may never go away completely but at least it doesn't hurt every minute of every day like it used to.
Nobody wants to hear about those kinds of things so you learn to keep it to yourself and pretend you aren't in pain and aren't immersed in all that dark negativity. But it is okay to feel like that... it does get better... very slowly. It takes longer for some than for others so remember how you want to, feel bad for as long as you need to and don't apologize to others for your feelings because that is all you have to hang on to right now.
People say those ridiculous things because they don't know what else to say. Just let them say it, it doesn't make you feel any better but it makes them feel better because to them it is better than saying nothing or saying the truth.

God Bless You.

Anonymous said...

Your feelings are normal - and jsutified. When my Dad died on Sept 15th 2008 - everyone thought I was so strong. And everyone kept telling me "at least he is no longer suffering". Well, recently I heard something that was exactly how I felt. "The pain is gone, but so is my Dad". He was only 49 when cancer took him away from us. And I will tell you, I am still very angry, and sad. But it will get easier. I couldn't even think of my Dad at ALL - nothing - I completely get the 'change the chanel in your head' thing. But I am learning that it will get easier - let people close to you know that you are hurting - you don't have to be alone in it. With gentle hugs - Crystal

Anonymous said...

Bless you. You are in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I wish I could communicate with you through email. I fully understand what you are going through. My mom died 20 years ago from breast cancer, that spread everywhere. There are 6 kids in our family and she was our rock. But we stuck together and made it. However, when we would gather together for meals, nobody wanted to sit where mom usually sat. I could go on and on about how difficult it was. I can tell you it does get better, but even to this day there are times when I miss her so much. I am thankful for my relationship with Jesus Christ and it was His grace that carried us through. God Bless.

Shanadeen said...

Learn to survive.

Anonymous said...

There is no wrong or right way to grieve. It is what it is.... I work in hospice and can tell you that grief takes as long as it takes. It varies from person to person. It doesn't mean that people who grieve longer loved more or that people who grieve less loved less. It just is....I can tell you that getting those feelings.... whatever they are out and verbalized is healthy and if people are offended... then shame on them..... Big hug coming your way...((((((((((OOOOOO)))))))))))

Anonymous said...

free sample pack of viagra viagra from india what is generic viagra herbal viagra viagra cialis levitra viagra free pills how does viagra work is there a female viagra viagra by mail herbal viagra is viagra safe for women viagra alternative viagra soft tabs viagra logo

Anonymous said...

[url=]Viagra no rx cod[/url]

[url=]web сайты знакомств[/url]
[url=]loveplanet ru знакомства[/url]

[url=]ищу парня для секса в одинцово[/url]
[url=]снять проститутку на дом[/url]

[url=]секс партнера ищу[/url]
[url=]мурманские шлюхи[/url]

[url=]дворовая шлюха[/url]
[url=]г маркс знакомства[/url]
[url=]знакомства секс пары доска[/url]
[url=]хочу секс питер[/url]

Anonymous said...

I usually don’t post in Blogs but your blog forced me to, amazing work.. beautiful …

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!

Anonymous said...

Hey guys!

I know some folks here who have gotten results with Male-Extra penis enhancement pills. Im just about to order as i've been hearing amazing results with it. But first off, I want to know if Male Extra does it work as good as they say it does?

I know 1-2 inches Penis growth is realistic and easily accomplished. But I'd like REAL FAST penis growth in the 5 inches range. Dont laugh, I want to have the best penis growth possible because my new girlfriend dated a friggin porn stud!

Guys here know what im talking about?

I make that I NEED to know the best way to enlarge Penis. Male-extra pills promises 3 inches growth within several weeks or they return your money. So I guess that essentially means, if my penis dont grow real fast? They lose money, coz I got to use the pills at the same time get my money back right?

Does this seem like a scam?

Please reply at the soonest possible time!
I need to make a decision fast!

Im already sold on it to be honest, but I just need that one last push so I dont put this off any longer.

The advertisement for the pill I last saw at this site. I hope its still there.

K guys thanks. Hope to hear your feedback alright? Bye :D

Anonymous said...

I inclination not approve on it. I assume nice post. Specially the title attracted me to review the intact story.

Anonymous said...

Nice post and this fill someone in on helped me alot in my college assignement. Gratefulness you as your information.

Anonymous said...; You saved my day again.

Anonymous said...

I really like when people are expressing their opinion and thought. So I like the way you are writing

Anonymous said...

You have got to see this. Obama playing on XBox. Funniest video ever.

Anonymous said...

Amiable fill someone in on and this post helped me alot in my college assignement. Gratefulness you on your information.

Anonymous said...

well its been sometime since i have posted anytihng on here. tomorrow oct 11 2012 would have been my moms 64 birthday she is truley missed and is always loved i cetch my self from time to time trying to talk to her or wishing i could just see her one more time and hug her. its so hard around the start of the holiday seaon she loved these days so much. if anyone is wundering this is her son john. i hope every one that knew her still thinks of her from time to time i love you mom and i no you watch over me every day. your son john

Anonymous said...

top [url=]free casino[/url] check the latest [url=]casino games[/url] unshackled no store perk at the chief [url=]no lay down tip